Talking about my relationship with Shug since getting married, and even before, is not something I like to do. We’ve been through so many trials. And probably everyone has. But some of it still hurts to talk about. We are in a season of being intentional to build up our marriage, though. So it has all been pretty fresh on the brain. One of the first trials we ever faced was before we even made it to the altar.
In some ways, I guess you can say we have a pretty typical story at the start. We met in college and went on to date for a year after I graduated and then were engaged and married a year later. But even the times preceding our wedding day were fraught with difficulty.
To give a little background, Shug (the name my husband and I have lovingly called each other for our entire marriage – supposed to be short for sugar but I’ve always spelled it with an “h” because “sug” just doesn’t seem like it’d sound the same)… sorry I’m back. Shug grew up Catholic in a small town with Catholic friends, his entire extended family is Catholic, and he worked for a Catholic boss… I did not. I was raised in a Protestant church. Needless to say, put two young type-A first-born children in an engagement setting with two different backgrounds and there’s bound to be something.
To be honest, I actually didn’t think there would be an issue at all. I have always gotten along just fine with my Catholic friends and I’d even accompanied some to Mass on occasion. And I went to Catholic Mass with Shug and his family many times. To me our faith was a commonality and Shug felt the same. As we were dating, we discussed how important our faith in Christ was to us and that it would have to be a part of our future marriage, before we even knew that would be to each other. I wouldn’t say we got into intensely deep theological discussions as a matter of course. But we agreed on most of the basics and when we became engaged knew we wanted to be attending church together as a family once we had children. We just figured we had time to figure it all out.
Enter everyone else.
Okay, not everyone. But suffice it to say we hit a snag when I was asked by a Catholic priest to sign a document agreeing to step aside on all matters of faith and let Shug raise our unborn children in the Catholic Church. Now add to the type-A first born stuff the fact that I was about to start law school and that Shug and I had already discussed the fact that my intimacy with the Bible was far beyond what he had ever even thought necessary… Nope. I did not sign that document.
This is where we were really tested and the “honeymoon” phase ended before we’d even selected a church to get married in.
I won’t bore you with all of the dramatic details and I don’t want to gossip about what happened from there. But I want to share vulnerably with you for a moment to the extent that it may help encourage others going through similar troubles. Many close family members did not support our marriage and we unfortunately did not get to have everyone at our wedding. Some people we called close “friends” bet against our marriage saying to us that we’d be divorced in 5 years and claiming we were possessed by the devil. And members of the wedding party were changed in the final month leading up to our big day.
The day before our wedding we relinquished a sizable deposit on the house we had built to come home to from our honeymoon and walked away not sure where we would go. When we came back from our honeymoon, Shug ultimately had to quit his job with no other prospects and give up a very large bonus he had already earned in the nine months prior. All because of the division of two denominations.
In 1 Corinthians, Paul asks for Christians to be united. (1 Corinthians 1:10). This is where I was hung up as I faced an increasingly unwelcoming church that admittedly may not be indicative of most Catholic Churches or Catholic people, but was certainly the case with those I was among. But as Jon Bloom of DesiringGod.org aptly points out, Paul further explains that factions reveal hearts in 1 Corinthians 11:19. We are called to love our brothers in the Bible. It’s not a light recommendation. In 1 John 4:20 (ASV), it is made clear that “he that loveth not his brother whom he hath seen, cannot love God whom he hath not seen.” Shug and I began processing this together and examining our own hearts and the motives of others.
It was a tremendous amount of pressure and heartache, but ultimately we stood firm against the noise and chose each other and God as the center of our marriage. Even today, having been married for 13 years, we have forgiven but not yet reconciled with everyone. And with some of those relationships, the incredibly hard truth is that reconciliation will never be a possibility this side of heaven because some loved ones have passed on. Those things are still painful, but our journey together has proven to us time and again that God truly works all things for good.
During our first year of marriage, Shug and I together explored our faiths and found an amazing church home and connected with a small group that we still meet with twice a month after more than 12 years together. The members of our small group have truly blessed our marriage and been wise counsel to us from the start. We have grown together in our faith and so much closer to God.
When we found out we were pregnant with our first child Shug felt God’s call to homeschool our children and began fervently preparing to guide them as the spiritual leader of our home. Just a few months after our first son was born, I was in complete shock as Shug stood up at the alter call and was baptized in our church. This was a big deal for someone who had been baptized at birth, already went through Catholic confirmation, and attended Catholic school. But it was bigger than us or our backgrounds. This was God moving in our lives. And He has always been there and performed miracles that only He could. And we continue walking in faith through the highs and lows.
It isn’t easy. In fact, sometimes it seems completely impossible. And it is, without God at the center. I just have to keep reminding myself that even though I can’t, God can! He is so so good. We’ve read so many books on marriage and we are currently in Re|Engage which I’ve found myself pitching like I’m getting paid for it. But I’m not. It’s really a great program for couples at any stage of their marriage, married less than a year or more than 25 years, believers or not, on the brink of divorce or just being proactive after seeing some signs that this marriage stuff really is hard work.
Loving one another is a choice we have to make every day. The heart-pounding type of love that gets our attention in the beginning isn’t always there during the many trials we will face on this earth. But as we’ve always repeated to each other, we are to “[c]onsider it pure joy, my brothers and sisters, whenever you face trials of many kinds, because you know that the testing of your faith produces perseverance. Let perseverance finish its work so that you may be mature and complete, not lacking anything.” James 1:2-4 (NIV).
So we are being intentional in this season of our lives to devote time not just to each other but to building a stronger marriage and digging deep and doing the hard work. And with that, I want to share some of these resources we have used personally over the years and I hope that they bless you and encourage you in your marriage. Just click this link and scroll to Marriage Resources for my recommendations.
Additionally, in just a couple short weeks, Homeschool Summits is putting on a virtual conference on Family Relationships which is sure to be chock full of great information and help for your marriage. Be sure to check it out! And may God bless you and your marriage.
